"Creating Healthy Relationships is the Heart of the Matter"

It dazzles you with its new car smell, its shine, its sleek styling, the pristine interior, the smooth purr of its engine.  You baby it, parking away from other cars at the supermarket so it won't be chipped by an errant door.  Auto insurance rates would plummet if we all drove as carefully as we do when piloting a new car.

To keep it running its best,  you put gas in it, have its oil changed, rotate the tires, get regular tune-ups.  And you do all these things willingly because you want it to last.

Marriages are the same in many ways.  When new, you delight in the excitement, the newness, the discovery.  But, like a car, a marriage needs consistent upkeep to stay running at peak performance.

Unfortunately, some people are more attentive to the maintenance of their cars than the maintenance of their marriages. And, far too many people decide to trade in the old model marriage for a new one when it starts running rough.

Cars come with a maintenance schedule. Marriages don't.  There isn't a manual in the wedding trunk that tells us when to bring home flowers, or cook a special dinner, or take a romantic weekend away together.  And there isn't a troubleshooting checklist to refer to when the marriage engine starts missing.  Until now.

Here are some symptoms that your marriage may need a tune-up:

Engine backfires: Spontaneous negative outbursts are a symptom of underlying tensions and conflicts that should be addressed.

Engine runs on after being turned off:   If one spouse continually criticizes the other about everyday activities, the criticism probably is an expression of unspoken frustration with some other part of the relationship.  If criticism continues after an incident has passed or is brought up again later, it shows that the issue has not been resolved.

Brakes squeal: Words of contempt are an indication that the relationship is deteriorating and the person saying them is

Engine overheats: When one partner becomes defensive, it  could mean he or she is beginning to build a wall to protect themselves from emotional damage as the relationship crumbles.

Warning light stays on: If one partner begins to withdraw from the other, the marriage could be in serious trouble as the partners start to emotionally separate.

Steering doesn't respond: If one spouse refuses to be influenced by the other or respond to their suggestions, it could be a sign that the partners are no longer connected in a mutually giving relationship.

Transmission stuck in neutral: Some couples realize they are leading colorless parallel lives with each of them functioning independently.  Without connecting emotionally, their relationship will wither.

We quickly take our cars to a professional mechanic, but when we realize that our marriages aren't hitting on all cylinders, we often try to fix the problem ourselves.  If any of these symptoms describe your marriage, you probably could use a tune-up from a professional specially trained to work with couples.

©1999 Marian Stansbury and M/ Barron Stofik.  Marian Stansbury, Ph.D. is a Connecticut licensed Marriage and Family Therapist practicing in Milford, CT..  M.B. Stofik  is a Connecticut writer.